Life Sucks
* sigh *
Sometimes life really just sucks, you know? I just broke up with Jessica about a week ago and last night, I found out that my ex Kairin, doesn’t want to talk to me anymore.
Kairin, I know that we’ve had our differences, and that I’ve hurt her so much before in the past which is probably why I’ve been avoiding her over the past year or so. Just when I had gathered enough courage to talk to her again, she goes and cuts me off. We talked on MSN last night for a few hours and the gist of it was that, she said she still loved me even after all I’ve done. She said she hated me for awhile, and really I don’t blame her for that (we did part on bad terms after all) but the feeling passed. I mean, I’ve been avoiding her for the past 1/2 a year at least, and she was the one talking to me or at least trying to but I just couldn’t get rid of the guilty feeling I had. Its not that I don’t feel that way anymore, its just that time’s the best cure for everything, it mayn’t completely go away but its at the level that I can manage. She said she was feeling lonely and that she was just aimlessly drifting along in life , that she was tired of living a lie. She said she wasn’t really happy but couldn’t admit it or at least didn’t have the courage to. I think slightly differently though, I thought she had tonnes of courage to make it through each day smiling and laughing pretending nothing is wrong, bearing the pain and suffering herself. Now she’s probably blocked me on MSN, facebook and God knows what else. I’m not quite sure on what I’m supposed to do, I guess you could say I still love her but not that way anymore. The only thing that I can do is just be her friend, and be a good listener. Not sure if I still have the chance to do so though.
Back to Jessica, I seriously do not know what’s going on in her mind nowadays. She broke up with me to get back with her ex boyfriend, in the name of being fair since he asked for another chance, to be on probation. But then even though both still harbor feelings for each other, I really don’t like sneaking behind other people’s backs. We still talk on a regular basis and when I do see her, I just can’t help but want to hold her hand, or give her a hug and just brush her hair. And she doesn’t say no either, which has got to say something right? Which is why I’m thinking that it shouldn’t be a good thing for me to see her very often but then, I just can’t help it, I do want to see her lots. Just why are there so many buts? The most beautiful dream can turn in the worse nightmare with only one word. If we both love each other that much let the world be damned and lets hook up! I don’t care what the world has to say about us, and I’d be fighting damn hard to keep us both together. But its hard to fight when you’re alone, when someone else has given up, has been washed away by the waves… The lyrics of the Bon Jovi song, “Living on a prayer” really come to mind right now.
We’ve got to hold on to what we’ve got
‘Cause it doesn’t make a difference if we make it or not.
We’ve got each other and that’s a lot for love -
We’ll give it a shot.We’re half way there – Livin’ on a prayer
Take my hand and we’ll make it
I swear – livin’ on a prayer.
Which reminds me, a couple of days ago, she told me that she’s back at Square1. Come to think of it, I don’t really think its that far off from how we used to be. I used to ask her out for breakfast, and she’d say no. She used to bitch about him to me and well, lets just say its the same old shit all over again. How nostalgic. The only difference is that, it hurts a bit more now cause I had her but I lost her.
I keep telling myself, that I should take things one day at a time, just takes things slowly. Its just that I can’t stop the feeling of wanting to sweep her off her feet, wanting to take her breath away. I know I shouldn’t care so much anymore, that I should probably go out and see other people. But what good would that be, when my heart already belongs to another. It’d just be an empty shell going out and socializing and even if we do hook up, it wouldn’t last, it’d be a fleeting moment in time. I wonder when I can tie up the loose knots in my heart cause this is really making me feel uncomfortable. I hate feeling this way =(
On an unrelated note, she asked me to make this post private cause I’m typing it out a a cybercafe. I’m refusing over the grounds that this is MY blog and its my outlet of expression to the world.
