This was supposed to be clever
Carefree and carelessly wild
Now when she tells me it’s over
I fall in love like a child

I didn’t care
Until the flame began to cool
I didn’t care
But now I’m falling like a fool
It isn’t fair
And I keep saying as I fall
I shouldn’t care at all

I have to work for a living
I’m no Marie-Antoinette
People who work for a living
Can’t run away to forget

So here I am
Not even dreams left on my shelf
How near I am
To going mad here by myself
Why did I dare
Right from the start, I swear I knew
I shouldn’t care… but I do…

I told her to go play and enjoy herself but I really wanted was her to come back with me.  Not likely to happen though, I know how much she misses her friends so I’ll be at home sulking till then XD.   I know I haven’t been writing as much as I should but that’s also probably because I’ve had a lot to think about and not all of  what I write is nice.   =(

Edit: Now I feel like an idiot.  Just got this sms from here

I actually meant like sitting seperately 1st. Besides, you never ask me go home with you. You just dump me here. Sad.

I guess I never do learn my lesson, I have to be a lot more specific with her.   For the record though, everywhere I go is an open invitation to her.  *sigh*   Sometimes I really am an idiot.

Back at eclipse gaming.

So she got her hair done, but all in all, she doesn’t seem very satisfied with it, and I don’t really know what’s wrong so I can’t screw MJ over.  Its not like it ain’t straight, just not as straight as she wanted it to be.   I think we argued a bit that night,  cause she wanted me to help out with her assignments.  Its not like I don’t want to, or wouldn’t but I would like her company while I’m doing it.   I was tired so I headed back first home to take a quick nap while she go yum cha with her friends.  End result, I waited for close to 2 hours for her to finish yum cha but she didn’t so I went gaming instead, after all, if she can’t be bothered to at least accompany me, I don’t see why I should make the effort to do an assignment which I don’t even like doing.  So she got mad and all, then I said sorry and she told me if I have to specify times in the future I want to see her.  Apparently it seems like I’m in the same pecking order as everyone else, first come first serve, so if anyone else asks her first, I gotta wait =/  Long story short, she hauled ass back to my place and then went to sleep while I busified myself with her assignment.  Bleah…

Day 2 we were supposed to head down there to get a lil shopping done but one thing kinda let to another and by the time she got out it was like 8 pm .   Bitched a bit to MJ about her hair then he washed and dried her hair and said it looked fine.   Did I ever mention I hate waiting,  she said she was going home for a quick shower and all at 3, but it was past 8 when she got out.   My friends were like wtf, haven’t you been waiting a really long time already?   I should get her to give me a time as well so I won’t be 傻傻的 waiting for her all of the time.  By 8, I was like if she’s not here in 5 minutes, I’m turning off me phone and going to sleep.  Finally we did get out, but by the time we got there, like 1/2 the shops were closed and there wasn’t a whole lot to do.  I did manage to get her her scarves though, found a shop there that sold ‘em really cheap so we bought two.   After that we wanted to catch a movie but I looked at the queue and said no, I really didn’t feel like standing around.

Anyways, we had no plans so we headed down to AMP Square Karaoke.  Wasn’t all that good.  The place is a lot more rundown than I last recall.  I mean the toilets were basically filthy, the staff were unfriendly and according to my dearie, the chairs were rather uncomfortable.   At least the song selection was decent though.  The original plan was to invite Derrick over to introduce him to some girls but then they ended up cancelling so no point inviting him if there are no girls around

Day 3 we met Stephanie, a rather good friend of mine.  Thankfully we weren’t late today, woke up somewhere round 11, then she was like lazing around till almost one while I kept nagging her about the time XD.  We ended up in Pyramid about 2.30 (parking was a nightmare) and headed down to Sushi Zanmai for lunch.  Steph was a bit pressed for time though, she had to leave around 4

So we went shopping and all, and now I have something decent to wear for her birthday party ^^.  She bought a new shirt and a belt as well as some undergarments.  I think guys have it a lot easier cause we only have like one undergardment to buy and those are like relatively cheap.

So what do I get out of 3 days?  I’ a bit poorer, but I’m happy cause she’s met a few of my friends, and she doesn’t seem intimidated, that’s a good sign.  I’ve also learn that I have to be very specific with her about what I want, and also that she doesn’t have very many undergarments to wear =P

But being me, I kinda asked her to cut relations with her ex. Its not that I don’t trust her, its just well a phobia I suppose. She broke off with me once before and I’ll be damned if its going to happen again. Like Hui San said once to her before, its either she goes out with me and 绝交 with him and vice versa. Can’t have the best of both worlds. I guess previously I wouldn’t have minded, it was cool with me but once its happened before, well, you kinda get scared.

Anyway, as the previous night events go; We argued twice yesterday morning, both because of her ex, I’d rather not go into detail about that since I’d rather not remember the unhappy moments, I have selective memory, I can remember what I want to instead.   Bla bla bla… we talked a bit in the car and I asked her what she doesn’t like about me.  Got the list right here

1. My temper
2. I can be rough at times
3. Too unsympathetic
4. Require too much ‘attention’

I’m working on it, cause all I really want to do is make her happy.  Just for the record though, I don’t lose me temper all that often but when I do, I generally think its justified, just that for some people, justifications might be different.  To be really honest, I was kind of waiting for her to ask, what don’t I like about her, but she never got around to that part..  Maybe another day, yeah

Back on track after we kissed and made up, she finally got her car cigarette lighter fixed so her MP3 player would work (That’s another story though) and I went back to my old office to get a memory card for it.  What’s a memory card without songs right?  So decided to copy some songs from my home PC (which later I found out that she didn’t like all that much) then she decided to follow me to my room.  One thing led to another and she ended up taking a nap, by the time she got up, it was about 6 and even then I had to practically drag her out.  Went to buy some bread and a cake for the birthday boy and met up with Hui San.

Birthday cake "生日快了温柔王子"

The three of us went back to her place, and met up with her mom.  She was kinda pissed that her daughter smokes but then again, with that many people present, she was on her best behavior.  So she had this really silly looking dress and she was asking me if she minds me wearing that.  I replied her “Of course not, Its perfectly all right if you want to look silly” and I guess she was really 扎到-ed.    So yeah, she showered, and we went to pick up the birthday boy and headed down to Neway.  On the way while she thought I was asleep she commented my taste in music sucks   That kinda hurt me in two ways cause… 1. We’re just about to go K where all there is is music and 2.  I don’t care what the world says to me cause it don’t mean a thing, but everything she says means everything to me.  I was kinda sulky and all for awhile but then, honestly speaking, I can’t stay mad at her for long ^^.  Love her waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much for that.   Plus, she did do a little dance for me, so I couldn’t really stay upset.

At the K was hilarious, had loads of fun, and took tonnes of pictures till like Hui San was complaining, We GOTTA go back!  Me mum’s gonna kill me… etc etc.. so we finally left about 2 or 3 and ended up yumchaing at Bukit Tinggi of all places (  For the initiated, that’s somewhere near genting).  Yum cha.. chit chat and play truth and dare.  However whatever was said at that table, will remain at that table so ’nuff said.  Oh and she was bugging me the whole night about like we can do stuff when we’re ‘official’ and all, and she was kept stressing on the word,  I know I can be a bit slow at taking hints sometimes but I just couldn’t find the right place or time till like 5 (That’s when I have to think about her everyday) she was like “Its now or never” so I knelt down (at a MAMAK, mind you) and asked her “Would you be mine again?”.

Would you be mine (Take 1)

Would you be mine? (Take 2)

The 2nd one was because on the first one you couldn’t really see me kneeling down.   She said I didn’t have to kneel and a squat would do fine, but hey, if you want to do something might as well do it right, right?  Anyway, squatting would make me look like I’m taking a dump

On a final note, was reading through some love quotes earlier and this one describes me perfectly

“Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep… wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you’re just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky his is to have you…. The one who turns to his friends and says, ‘that’s her.’”

I guess I’m that guy, I just wish I could show her off to my friends, that one day she’ll have the courage to meet them.

<3

<3

how come everything always makes sense;; until I see her again… until I remember that she & I could make the whole world jealous… not that I want to.

<3
& its really all my fault… I’ve made myself the fool that left her. I mean really, all the drama, lies, heartbreak, & tears & these are the best days of our lives? I know it sounds melodramatic but I am dramatic and the only advice anyone ever gives me is “be strong”…I don’t WANT to be that strong T__T  if it means being alone. no one ever tells me its okay to cry.

then again, is it really my fault you’ve got the arms I wanna be wrapped in,
the eyes I want to lose myself in, & the voice I could listen to for hours?
<3

I wish I knew exactly what to do. I wish… I wish I could lose this alter ego I have adopted. the “me” everyone thinks they know… but I cant help thinking it’s better to laugh about nothing than to cry about everything. right?

and if you were actually to read this,  I could tell you one thing, I would scream: please don’t leave me here tonight…I need you now, I need you in my life.

but I would never tell you that because, well, because it gets hard to trust anyone when everyone you ever opened your heart up to lets you down. and Ben always said, “if you can’t handle my worst, then you don’t deserve my best.” then again, look what happened to Ben.  Sorry

* sigh *

Sometimes life really just sucks, you know? I just broke up with Jessica about a week ago and last night, I found out that my ex Kairin, doesn’t want to talk to me anymore.

Kairin, I know that we’ve had our differences, and that I’ve hurt her so much before in the past which is probably why I’ve been avoiding her over the past year or so. Just when I had gathered enough courage to talk to her again, she goes and cuts me off.  We talked on MSN last night for a few hours and the gist of it was that, she said she still loved me even after all I’ve done.  She said she hated me for awhile, and really I don’t blame her for that (we did part on bad terms after all) but the feeling passed.  I mean, I’ve been avoiding her for the past 1/2 a year at least, and she was the one talking to me or at least trying to but I just couldn’t get rid of the guilty feeling I had.   Its not that I don’t feel that way anymore, its just that time’s the best cure for everything, it mayn’t completely go away but its at the level that I can manage.  She said she was feeling lonely and that she was just aimlessly drifting along in life , that she was tired of living a lie.  She said she wasn’t really happy but couldn’t admit it or at least didn’t have the courage to.   I think slightly differently though, I thought she had tonnes of courage to make it through each day smiling and laughing pretending nothing is wrong, bearing the pain and suffering herself.  Now she’s probably blocked me on MSN, facebook and God knows what else.   I’m not quite sure on what I’m supposed to do, I guess you could say I still love her but not that way anymore.  The only thing that I can do is just be her friend, and be a good listener.  Not sure if I still have the chance to do so though.

Back to Jessica, I seriously do not know what’s going on in her mind nowadays.  She broke up with me to get back with her ex boyfriend, in the name of being fair since he asked for another chance, to be on probation.  But then even though both still harbor feelings for each other, I really don’t like sneaking behind other people’s backs.  We still talk on a regular basis and when I do see her, I just can’t help but want to hold her hand, or give her a hug and just brush her hair.  And she doesn’t say no either, which has got to say something right?   Which is why I’m thinking that it shouldn’t be a good thing for me to see her very often but then,  I just can’t help it, I do want to see her lots.  Just why are there so many buts?  The most beautiful dream can turn in the worse nightmare with only one word.  If we both love each other that much let the world be damned and lets hook up!  I don’t care what the world has to say about us, and I’d be fighting damn hard to keep us both together.  But its hard to fight when you’re alone, when someone else has given up, has been washed away by the waves…  The lyrics of the Bon Jovi song, “Living on a prayer” really come to mind right now.

We’ve got to hold on to what we’ve got
‘Cause it doesn’t make a difference if we make it or not.
We’ve got each other and that’s a lot for love -
We’ll give it a shot.

We’re half way there – Livin’ on a prayer

Take my hand and we’ll make it
I swear – livin’ on a prayer.

Which reminds me, a couple of days ago, she told me that she’s back at Square1.  Come to think of it, I don’t really think its that far off from how we used to be.  I used to ask her out for breakfast, and she’d say no.  She used to bitch about him to me and well, lets just say its the same old shit all over again.  How nostalgic.  The only difference is that, it hurts a bit more now cause I had her but I lost her.

I keep telling myself, that I should take things one day at a time, just takes things slowly.  Its just that I can’t stop the feeling of wanting to sweep her off her feet, wanting to take her breath away.   I know I shouldn’t care so much anymore, that I should probably go out and see other people.  But what good would that be, when my heart already belongs to another.  It’d just be an empty shell going out and socializing and even if we do hook up, it wouldn’t last, it’d be a fleeting moment in time.  I wonder when I can tie up the loose knots in my heart cause this is really making me feel uncomfortable.   I hate feeling this way =(

On an unrelated note, she asked me to make this post private cause I’m typing it out a a cybercafe.  I’m refusing over the grounds that this is MY blog and its my outlet of expression to the world.

Anyway, today wasn’t such a bad day after all, slept around 12 noon after meeting up a friend for lunch, before that was chatting with Jess about a whole lot of stuff on MSN, we still seem to have a fair amount to talk about.  Got woken up one by some idiot who thought my room was an office.   I had nothing to say to him, just slammed the door in his face.  The next time I woke up was about 5.30, when Jess was knocking me door.    Talked a bit, and I couldn’t resist but to hug her.  I knew I shouldn’t but I did and I was thinking to myself, DAMN this is wrong but its still what I wanted all long. Took a quick shower, called Charles out for dinner and waited for him to get his ass down to OUG.   Her hair was still a bit messy so I brushed it up a bit, old habits kinda die hard XD.

Next thing we know, Charles’ giving me a call and its time to go.  He was expecting dinner at a coffee shop and has this WTF when we said we’re going down to MidValley but since its my treat and she’s driving he agreed.  All decked up in a dilapidated old t-shirt and shorts he was making a bit `o a fuss about it on the way.  Got down to MV, parked and went inside, was looking for a place to get her driving license’s photo taken.  Walked about a bit, passed by a Dunkin Donuts and bought a couple of donuts each.

Was really kinda funny back then cause we were both acting like kids, and Charles was like the chaperone, we kept sneaking in holding hands etc etc, its been quite awhile since I had that much fun.

After that we headed down to Tony Roma’s, ordered our food, chit chatted a little…. Read above rant for how I felt about dinner, and headed down to the arcades.  As usual, the only games I play are either Para Para or Rock Fever.  I actually prefer pump it up or EZ2DJ but they don’t have it there so yeah, beggars can’t be choosers.  She wanted to catch 2012 but Charles said he had to get back to OUG to look up a friend so here I am, at home writing this post.

She’s currently at Pac Man (A mamak we used to regularly frequent) with her current BF.  I thought I’d mind more but I guess not, I’m just taking things a day at a time now, I don’t hold any high expectations, if it happens, it’ll happen.  If not, well then that’s just too bad.   I still love her but she’s got her own issues to handle as well so let her take care of them.  If/when she’ll ever get them sorted out, then we’ll see. In the meantime, I’m still on the lookout =D

This conceptual gel remote from Panasonic lays limp when not in use, pulsating with a soft light. But when its sensors detect a hand coming, it stiffens, ready for action!

Constructed of a soft, flesh-like gel, the remote appears cold when off. Once turned on, however, it seems to come to life. A soft light emanates somewhere from within as the center of the device begins to slowly rise and fall, mimicking the tranquil motions of breath. Left undisturbed, the remote will slumber peacefully. But should a human hand approach, sensors inside alert it to the imminent touch. It stops breathing, grows rigid – the light from within is extinguished.

Wow, congratulations on the world’s creepiest remote, Panasonic. Limp when not in use, rigid when you touch it — doesn’t that remind you of something else? No? Me neither.

Strange Gel Remote Concept by Panasonic [cubeme]

The two of my favorite songs that I’m playing right now are “All for you” by Sister Hazel and 那就這樣吧 by 動力貨車.. For some vague reason, these songs keep popping up in my mind.   Both have pretty good memories for me, All for you was the song I performed during high school talentime, and the other one was well, a favorite back when I was hanging out with Kiko,Nanako, Pumpking, OngLai  and the rest.  Good ‘ol times, wonder what they’re doing nowadays.  Been outta touch for so damn long.

Just thought this was hilarious and HAD to share this =)

By the way, this manga is called Defense Devil and you can read the series at OneManga.com